I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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