A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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