Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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