You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
