I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
