The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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