im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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