She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
