I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
