I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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