Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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