I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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