Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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