i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
