got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
