I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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