She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
