i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
