If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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