my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't deserve a penis
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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