I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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