'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
