Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
