...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
