Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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