so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
