I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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