i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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