trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i drank out of a bidet.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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