he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
