Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
