o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
