Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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