I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
