Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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