You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
