then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
