billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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