I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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