I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
