One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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