we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
