how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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