remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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