If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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