my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
