I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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