YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
