i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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