My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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