Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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